I Tried Martha Stewart’s Buttercream Frosting – And Remembered Too Much

the bowl was already out.
green Pyrex, chipped on one side, like everything else that’s lasted.
i didn’t mean to make frosting.
but i was looking for something to beat — and the butter was soft.

What the Original Looked Like

Her Highness’s buttercream is strict.
six sticks of butter, six, like she’s daring you to feel guilty.
then the sugar — an avalanche. nine cups.
and the vanilla, which she always pretends is gentle, but it’s not. it hits like memory.

i’ve followed her version before.
back when mae was small enough to lick the beaters without me worrying about raw anything.
back when i used to care if it looked smooth.

What I Did Differently

i didn’t sift the sugar.
didn’t even measure it carefully.
i stopped at eight cups because the bag ran out and the store felt too far.

also —
i used the vanilla from that bottle i bought right before the divorce.
the one that makes everything feel like christmas before things cracked.

i beat it too long.
because i needed to.
because silence makes my head louder than the mixer ever could.

The Way It Happened In My Kitchen

butter in the bowl. soft already, like someone had forgiven it.
i dropped the first stick. dog got it. i didn’t stop him.
started again.

the beaters fought it at first — thick, slow, angry.
then sugar rained in. not all at once. not gracefully.
i did it like i always do: fast when i shouldn’t, slow when i forget.

mae walked in halfway through.
“smells like that time you tried to make a wedding cake.”
i didn’t answer.
because it was that time.
same smell.
same taste of maybe.

i added the vanilla and felt it in my chest.
pale and fluffy, just like she said it would be.
but i kept going. another thirty seconds. another.

the dented dutch oven was sitting behind the mixer like it was watching.
i tapped it with the spoon. not sure why.
just did.

A Few Things I Learned

the longer you beat it, the more it looks like a lie.
perfect frosting hides things.

vanilla always smells like that christmas.
always will.

and sometimes, you just need to make something sweet
even if it’s too much.
even if no one’s asking for it.

What I Did With the Extras

i spread some on toast.
not cake.
toast.

mae laughed.
then did the same.

we didn’t say much after that.

Would I Make It Again?

i don’t know.
maybe.
maybe not for cake, though.

That’s As Much As I Remember

the bowl’s still in the sink.
the frosting’s still on the spoon.
and i’m still here.
softened. beaten. sweet enough to stay.

If you want something messier, I did a chocolate ganache once when the power went out. it felt like sin.

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Check out More Recipes:

• Martha Stewart Yule Log Cake
• Martha Stewart Chocolate Zucchini Bread
• Martha Stewart Coconut Cake​
• Martha Stewart Lemon Cake​